During a wonderful conversation with great friends, one made the comment I should try to care less. A straightforward solution to a myriad of my problems, and yet an impossible goal. A for-profit mind and a not-for-profit heart just do not mix well. Changing course is moot- the same show in a different venue- a set change doesn't change the story's ending. Business is business, even at not-for-profits, except at NPOs the injustices and inefficiencies are amplified tenfold by the criticality of the mission. No, friend, I should care more. I should care so much I have the courage to risk everything to try to better the situation, but I allow the traps of daily existence to force me into cowardly inaction. I'm torn knowing I have the courage, but the price of action is the possibility my loved ones will become sacrificial lambs- a price too high. My solution is to learn to externally channel the constant imbalance of one extended hand and one fist in the air until the day I can afford a "bad attitude"- to have the courage and resources to place myself in front of the weak with both fists in the air and shield them from the unmerited wrath of the strong despite the inevitable personal consequences. Consequences which, at the right time, would be my burden alone- not my family's. There is solace to be found in knowing that day will come almost as much as in the day itself.
All this came to me while looking out the window of the plane last night. I noticed the layout of the neighborhoods made their twinkling street lights look like constellations. As I was finding "Orion", I laughed at the contradiction that while on the ground, the stars were above me- but in the air, I had to look down to see them. Perspective is everything. Miro and Moon- thanks for dinner and for listening Saturday. One day, I'll be back. I'll have the cayenne etouffee and a glass of an Italian red. And dinner's on me.
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you will always be loving and giving and just plain GOOD. and that's not a bad thing. your ability to care for everyone around you floors me. i hope to one day be as capable as you are at providing joy to those you love.
ReplyDeletemeanwhile, i'm hanging onto the beautiful picture that the words "Miro and Moon" paint in my head and hoping that between that simple vision and my memories of giggling with you this past week, that i can make it through to the next time without too much sad time.
i adore you.
You make me smile huge goofy grins. It will only be short periods of time between visits from now on. I adore everything about you and began to miss you terribly as soon as you got in your brother's car. True friendship is rare, but I knew the minute I met you what an amazing friend you would be- you have not disappointed me yet. Staying up all night talking and giggling in our princess beds like we'd never been apart is exactly what I'd hoped for- and knew I would get. When we're 90, promise we'll end up in the same city so we can be old saggy hags together. :)
ReplyDeleteI love you, and I'll see you SOON.