How To Overachieve in Passive Aggressive Behavior

Years ago when I bought this big old beautiful house, I hated the doorbell box in the hallway. It was just a large, old eyesore- it may as well have been a Yugo plastered to the wall. Our first renovation, we took it out and replaced it with a wireless one that we could hide a little better. Today, while my sick self took a "work break" (note: techies don't really get sick days. you take a sick day, but you still work from home. same goes for vacations. 2nd note to self, next time I choose a profession with no real time off, choose medicine. at least I'd have a title. )

There I sit, on the couch, having just closed my laptop when I hear someone walk up the stairs on the front porch. I waited... no doorbell, no knock. The dogs didn't even wake up from their naps. I answered the door, politely whispered to the Jehovah's Witness to excuse me, but I was sick and didn't feel like talking, took his pamphlet and he went on his way.

Later, when my lovely boy was on his way out to the post office, I asked him to test the doorbell. Sure enough, dead battery. He said, "I'll put in a new battery when I get back." And, as is the case as both of us get older, neither one of us remembered. Until tonight. I remembered.

Here's the thing. Usually, when someone has to ring the doorbell, I don't know them. They're coming by to sell me something like a religion or school fundraiser fare or steaks. When the pecans are prolific, sometimes it's an older man wanting to take some home. Every now and then, it's the kid looking for a beloved pet that has run away. I can count on the firefighters taking donations once a year. I don't mind the old man, or the lost pet, or the firefighters but those times are so few and far between. For every one time they come by, there must be twenty religion or school wrapping paper peddlers. It's the same scene, they ring the doorbell, the dogs go ballistic, then I'm trying to hold them back while shouting over their ear piercing yelps to the person outside that I'm not interested in whatever. Let's be honest, if I need a new religion, I'll probably go to you, not wait for you to seek me out. And I can go anywhere and buy overpriced, poor quality crap. But then I thought, "If I leave the dead battery in, I'm off the hook! The person rings a doorbell that doesn't work, the dogs don't go nuts, I'm not bothered, no tripping over dogs and yelling, the person outside has done their due diligence for whatever cause they are supporting, leaves, I'm not disturbed, and I haven't spent any money- everybody wins!" The firefighters always mail something, I'll still be able to donate. The old man will get his pecans- I've already told him he's always welcome to them- I think he asks because he knows I'll help and he likes the conversation. He always catches me outside anyway. Unlike those gypsies my neighbors tell me scour our front garden without permission at 4am with 5 gallon buckets so they can sell them for a pretty penny. And although I've tried, I've never found Fluffy. The dead doorbell can be my filter. Who needs gates and fences and security? At this moment, I realize, I have just reached the pinnacle of passive aggressiveness.

How do you overachieve in passive aggressiveness? Let the doorbell battery die.